Man and Woman – A Mystery
Men and women are such incredibly different creatures – different behaviour, different language, different hormonal make-up, different upbringings. It sometimes seems like a miracle that they can truly connect at all, even for just a few brief moments. And by that I mean a profound, intimate connection of understanding and merging, both physical and non-physical.
Sex could be so beautiful: you come together, you merge and enjoy the moment together. But when, as is so often the case in our everyday lives, stress creeps in, then unfortunately it no longer works quite so simply.
The difference between women and men
A woman needs to be relaxed to have sex, and a man needs sex to relax. You see… an almost insurmountable problem. One of the two won’t get what they want.
Often, it’s the woman. Even in our Western world, many women still believe they have to please the man. A bit of a show and it’s all over – I hear this time and again in sessions with female clients, even though we’re actually living in the 21st century. Or the woman refuses, either outright or by saying she’s tired or has a migraine – the classic excuse.
And the man? We’re increasingly seeing the effects of the internet on the ‘porn generation’ amongst men. Young men and teenage boys are growing up with access to pornography that depicts a completely distorted world: Sex serves solely as a means of satisfying sexual urges (both in what the leading actor does and in the case of the young man masturbating in front of the computer), and women are reduced to objects of lust and gratification. Love and tenderness? Not a trace of it.
Added to this is often the typical stress of the modern office environment: eight or more hours at the computer, followed by a few more hours on the mobile and laptop in one’s spare time. Perhaps a film on the television in the evening as well. The mind, which has become thoroughly overheated in this way, is no longer able to switch off, whilst the body is completely neglected. When sexuality then degenerates into a mere means of satisfying sexual urges and a method of relaxation, this has serious consequences for intimacy.
Awareness and Sex
Awareness is the first prerequisite for improving the situation. Both men and women must begin to understand what is happening here. They need to get to know their own patterns: their sexuality, as well as the relationship between sex and stress. Only then can one start to think about solutions. But first of all, dear men: without a minimum level of relaxation, it will not be possible to experience intimacy.
To achieve this, however, one must first understand what relaxation is. Those who are chronically stressed have often forgotten how proper relaxation works. Many men are often very tense, and as soon as they relax a little, they fall asleep: immediately after sex or even just during a session, as soon as they let themselves be drawn into the hypnosis a little. These men first need to learn that it’s possible to relax gradually without necessarily falling asleep. On the contrary, you can actually be wide awake whilst in this state of relaxation – a key feature in the world of meditation. Often, chronically stressed men can only relax after engaging in extreme sport. Nothing against sport, but anyone who needs extreme sport to relax is confusing relaxation with exhaustion. Others, on the other hand, need a few glasses of wine with dinner to relax. Again, nothing against a good glass of wine, but anyone who needs a certain amount of alcohol to wind down from stress is confusing relaxation with intoxication.
Relaxed togetherness
Even as a stressed person, you can relearn how to relax, quite simply because it’s something natural that you can’t really forget completely. Self-hypnosis, meditation, active meditation or yoga can be a huge help here. Or simply have a dance with your partner before you get cosy in bed. And once you’ve learnt to relax a little again, you can also take a bit more time over sex. Your partner will be delighted, and you’ll benefit from it too.
About the author
Dr. Nidal Moughrabi
Coach and Coaching Supervisor (ICF: PCC/CSS)
Medical doctor · Coach for mental self-regulation · Hypnotherapist