Coaching is always about relationships
Coaching does not take place between methods. It takes place between two people.
Wherever two people meet, emotions, expectations, projections and unconscious relationship patterns naturally emerge. Supervision is one of the most important tools available to professional coaches to bring these dynamics into awareness.
Coaching provides a safe space in which not only the client gains greater clarity about their inner world, but the coach as well. The fewer unconscious dynamics exist between coach and clients, and the more clearly the coaching process is understood, the more easily that process can move forward.
To me, the depth of our coaching reflects the depth of our own self-awareness. The better we know ourselves, the more deeply we can accompany others. Supervision supports this ongoing process of self-discovery.
Most coach training programmes teach models, questioning techniques and interventions. All of these are important. However, self-experience (and continuous self-reflection) should be part of every coach’s development. It should not be an optional addition to coach training, but one of its foundations.
What happens during a coaching session?
Just like the client, the coach has thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they are obvious, but often they are subtle. Sometimes they are directly related to the client, sometimes they are not. Quite often, they remain outside conscious awareness at first.
The crucial question, therefore, is not whether these reactions occur, but whether the coach is able to notice them consciously. Can they recognise and understand them? Can they use them constructively in service of the coaching process?
This is precisely where supervision becomes invaluable.
Transference – when the past enters the present
Sigmund Freud was one of the first to describe the phenomenon of transference. He recognised that people unconsciously transfer feelings, expectations and relationship patterns from important relationships in the past onto people in the present. Later, he came to regard transference as one of the most valuable tools in psychotherapy.
Simply put, transference is a form of projection that usually occurs outside conscious awareness. A client may experience the coach as a critical father, a supportive mother, an authority figure or as the person who will finally understand and rescue them (“You are my last hope.”).
All of this arises from the client’s inner world.
Transference can take many forms. It may appear as resistance or mistrust, but equally as excessive admiration or a desire for unusual closeness.
None of these reactions are inherently good or bad. On the contrary, becoming aware of transference can provide some of the most valuable insights within the coaching process.
Countertransference – what happens within the coach?
Countertransference is equally important. It refers to the feelings, expectations and inner reactions that arise within the coach during a coaching session.
These reactions may have different origins.
On the one hand—what is often called personal countertransference—the coach’s own biographical themes may be activated. The coach may become irritated by criticism, enjoy the client’s admiration, feel a strong desire to rescue the client or even take repeated violations of cancellation policies personally.
On the other hand, relational (or diagnostic) countertransference refers to feelings that are less about the coach’s own history and more about the client’s inner world. Some clients evoke similar emotional responses in many people. The coach may temporarily experience these emotions on the client’s behalf.
Awareness is the key
All of this is completely normal because coaches are human beings too. Neither transference nor countertransference is problematic in itself. The real problem is a lack of awareness.
A coach who is unaware of their own emotions or fails to reflect on them may begin to act them out unconsciously. They may become overly instructive, overprotective, emotionally distant or feel compelled to rescue the client.
All of this can happen as long as the coach’s own internal processes remain outside awareness. Awareness creates choice. And choice makes professional coaching possible.
An example from my own practice
A client once told me quite matter-of-factly that her partner occasionally hit her. She immediately added that it was “not such a big deal” because her father had also hit her throughout her childhood.
Almost instinctively, I heard myself responding firmly: “No. That is absolutely not okay. It is never okay.”
Only later did I begin reflecting on my reaction. Part of it was, of course, my own conviction that violence in intimate relationships is never acceptable. For me, this is not simply an opinion but a basic social consensus.
At the same time, however, I realised that the anger I experienced in that moment may actually have belonged to my client. It was an anger she had never been able to experience herself because violence had become normal during her childhood.
After all, what can a child do when being abused by their parents? Anger is rarely an option. More often there is explaining (“I provoked my father.”), minimising (“He only used his hands, not a stick.”), justifying (“He was under a lot of stress.”) and many other survival strategies.
Such deeply suppressed anger—which would actually be a completely natural response—continues to exist beneath the surface. It remains in the unconscious and continues to influence future relationships because, in a sense, it still wants to be seen.
Anger is loud, fear is quiet
Anger is usually easy to recognise. Fear is often very different.
A coach may leave a session with nothing more than a vague feeling that something is not quite right. No clear thoughts. No obvious emotion. Just an odd inner uneasiness. Fear rarely demands attention. It usually operates quietly in the background. For that reason it easily goes unnoticed—not only by the client but also by the coach. Yet it continues to influence how we think, feel and behave.
In coaching, fear often wears a disguise. It may appear as insecurity, difficulty making decisions, withdrawal or an excessive need for control.
Is this fear? Is it my fear? Or does it belong to the client? Without reflection, these questions remain unanswered, and the coaching process itself may struggle to move forward.
The most important competence of a coach
Excellent coaching does not arise simply from asking good questions. Good questions are fundamental—they are the basis of working professionally with people.
What distinguishes a coach from a truly good coach is the ability to observe themselves while coaching.
This ability does not develop through books alone. It grows through self-experience, personal development and regular supervision. The more aware we become of ourselves, the more clearly we can distinguish what belongs to us and what belongs to our client.
Perhaps the most important purpose of supervision is not to create perfect coaches. It is to create more conscious ones.
“The depth of our coaching reflects the depth of our self-awareness.”
About the author
Dr. Nidal Moughrabi
Coach and Coaching Supervisor (ICF: PCC/CSS)
Medical doctor · Coach for mental self-regulation · Hypnotherapist